The Way We Lived, California Indian Stories, Songs, Reminiscences by Malcolm Margolin

 

The Way we Lived: California Indian Stories, Songs, Reminiscences by Malcolm Margolin

pub 1981

August Book Club Read 

The author was really involved in the California History Society and obviously passionate about compiling this treasure trove of lore. The story integrates excerpts of tales and verbatim accounts from Native Californians and includes photographs.  

One of the standout things to me from this is how diverse the populations were in pre-European California. According to the author, when Europeans first appeared in California, there were as many as 100 different languages being spoken. 

Margolin honors the diversity of the groups, but in this book also points out many parallel systems and beliefs that they shared. I enjoyed reading about the customs and crafts of particular groups. He touches on how the arrival of Europeans dramatically altered the lives of these incredible groups. 

One thing that differs greatly from my culture, is the emphasis on dreams, visions, and the supernatural. 

The author points out that when interviews of tribal members would take place, he wanted to know more concrete things about their lives, whereas the interviewee was more interested sharing about their dreams, visions, and unique personal stories of the supernatural. He points out that to them, these factual elements would have been understood by all in their small close knit communities, but what would be unique were their particular spiritual experiences. 

I also was surprised that there was a deep resistance to innovation and change amongst many groups. I guess I have an idealized view of indigenous populations as being very fluid and adaptable based on their close reliance with an ever-changing natural world. Instead it seems, that strict and religious adherence to custom, ritual, roles, and traditions was seen as a vital way of passing down survival ways and a particular cultural heritage - even warding off evil and harm from unseen forces. I guess humans are the same everywhere in the tendency to safeguard practices without always challenging whether or not they are still relevant. 

I enjoyed the book, even if I skimmed over some of the mythology and coyote stories which I've been exposed to before. I'm always amazed at how people in each region utilized natural elements to make tools, weapons, boats etc. The book referenced Carobeth Laird and her memoir about her life with anthropologist John Harrington ( I think I wrote an entry about this). He was manically running around California trying to capture different language groups and sounds before they disappeared. 

As a docent at our local museum, I have recently reviewed some documentaries made mid century 1900s about our local Yokut Indians showing their artisanship.

Chronic People Pleasers Read on: The Courage to be Disliked by Kishimi and Koga

~Trigger alert: unfiltered self reflections abound in this entry

 The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga pub: 2018

 is a bestselling self-help and philosophy book that explains how to achieve true happiness by breaking free from past trauma and the desire for approval. 

Core Structure

Format: A Socratic dialogue over five nights between a cynical young man and a wise philosopher.
Foundation: Based on the individual psychology of Alfred Adler, a 19th/20th-century pioneer alongside Freud and Jung.

Let us say that one (one being me) always needs lots of encouragement to break free from enmeshment, over functioning, co-dependency, and obsession with the past. I'm kind of a psychology junkie and I have to agree with the authors that the psychology I've been most exposed to is of the Freudian strain which emphasizes the concept that past trauma pretty much defines us. 

I'm not sure if Jung emphasizes the past as much, I'm more familiar with Jung in his focus on archetypes and tapping into the subconscious. ie Jung is the forefather of MBTI which is the basis of Keirsey's Temperament Sorter which anyone who has known me very long might know that I'm unabashedly obsessed with. I also adore the book Goddesses in Every Woman, written by Jungian Psychotherapist Jean Shinoda Bolen.

I've heard of Adler, but I feel he is much less referenced and I think this is the first book I've every read about his ideas. It's kind of interesting because I was simultaneously listening to this audio book below which definitely has some parallels. The universe is trying to tell me something. I'm very resistant to this, because as an enneagram four there's hardly anything I love more than wallowing in melancholy and viewing myself as a tragic figure. To be forced to hear from two different sources at once, that I can choose to be happy or at least not worry about whether or not I'm happy and focus on being functional and doing my duty was simultaneously exhilarating and a threat to my entire way of life. 

Sidenote. My sister and I were camping in Kings Canyon while I was reading the Courage to be Disliked. She was reading a book about healing and we talked about how people (when I say people I actually mean mostly women) tend to bond over sharing their woes. The book she was reading actually suggested that some people never progress beyond their trauma because they fear losing the relationships or support groups they have built around their trauma or pain. This was quite resonant because I have several female relationships where I actually pre-prep for the meetup by conjuring up all the negative things in my life that I want to rant on about, and they're usually always the same things BTW. This is embarrassing to reveal actually. While I don't intend to stop this habit cold turkey, because maybe it's cathartic, I think introducing this awareness into the mix will do no harm, and recognizing that I can cultivate bonds even if there's nothing particular to lament about. 

I want to share a few of the chapter headings, because they're remarkably simple but the execution of these concepts I find to be kind of radical: The book is divided into conversations that span five nights which I find to be quite artistic. I will include my journal notes from camping that I jotted beneath each heading: 

The First Night

Deny Trauma

 - opposite of Freud

 - It's not about what you're born with, but what you make of the equipment

The Second Night

All Problems are Interpersonal Relationship Problems

 - 2 objectives - to be self-reliant. To live in harmony with society

The Third Night

Discard other people's tasks

 - real freedom

 - personal responsibility

 - assistance not intervention

The Fourth Night

Where the Center of the World Is

 - the larger community 

 - not punishment/praise

 - horizontal not vertical relationships

 - people have value for being not just what they do

 - don't escape or avoid pain, let it be

- don't take yourself or life too seriously

 

The Fifth Night

To live in earnest in the here and now

 - workaholism focuses on only one aspect of contribution

 - happiness is a feeling of contribution

 - the dance not the destination

 - have the courage to have a normal life (this is really hard for me - more about this below)

Normal life:

Why do I find this concept so difficult? It's simple. I think of myself as an aristocratic snob. No one likes to admit that there's a class system but there always is one. I was raised as part of local landed dynasty on both sides of my family. I was intensely proud of my unique ranch upbringing. I'm not living that lifestyle. Combine that with my enneagram four personality type which prizes individuality, originality, and scorns the ordinary. It doesn't take long to ponder why I feel such resistance to living in a suburb in Bakersfield (a place I always thought of with distaste), working as an employee, having 2 children, the SUV, blah blah blah. (oh this is one of my boring repetitive rants to sympathetic female friends) Such awareness leaves me with two options, acceptance or seek change. ( I tried the latter but it never seemed to quite work out, yet...) So here I am faced with the challenge to be happy. To be happy in normalcy. (Believe me I'm not broaching what is a normal life at a global level, just in the small sphere of this geographic region.) Also recognizing that constantly focusing on choices or situations that led me to this "predicament" actually sabotages present contentment and actually threatens to betray my present and future self. I'm faced with tiny artistic expressions of uniqueness instead of what I see as sweeping glamorous career/lifestyle identities. 

Can it be ok? Is it enough? Whether it is or not.. it is.... To live in earnest in the here and now... Powerful, difficult, baby steps.... Contribute yet be self-reliant. Do my own tasks. Encourage others in their tasks without interfering. Risk being disliked through abiding by the above. To some this may seem simple, but to a highly sensitive soul and empath who absorbs the emotions of others, believe me it's pretty difficult. 

Beth Rodden's A Light Through the Cracks and a Mini Geek-Out

 

A Light Through the Cracks by Beth Rodden pub 2024

July Book Club

One of my book club members has met Beth Rodden and she recommended this memoir and I'm so glad! My first thought on this is that I found it riveting. I could hardly put it down and I don't often feel like that about many books. She has a great story, but there was a deal of craftsmanship in the telling that really drew me in. The story wasn't told lineally but jumped back and forth in time. 

Beth Rodden is a pro rock climber. I had never heard of her, but in 2000 she and 3 other climbers were abducted and held hostage for a number of days in Kyrgyzstan. 

In this memoir, the trauma of the abduction is a pivotal theme. In many ways, the story recounts how it influenced the trajectory of her life and how she recovered from it. Having known nothing about her story, and being the relational drama monger that I am, I was especially curious to see how things would play out with her fellow hostage member, her boyfriend Tommy Caldwell. 

She and Tommy had just begun their relationship prior to their sponsored trip to Kyrgyzstan. She confessed in the book that she had been thinking about breaking things off prior to the trip; the reader infers that there was a degree of uncertainty on her side. Tommy ends up pushing their captor off a cliff precipitating their escape. The two of them share an intense moment in which she pledges her love. 

Their trauma bond leads them into a continuance of their romantic commitment, eventual marriage, and professional partnership. 

The reader senses the unease that shrouded Beth's thoughts and feelings about their relationship which eventually ended in divorce after Beth falls in love with a charismatic boulderer. (I'm oversimplifying here)

As a wanna-be outdoor enthusiast, I enjoyed the details about her climbs and the discipline involved in pursuing new feats. I kind of went on a mini geek out about climbing. I even watched the incredible documentary The Dawn Wall Watch the Dawn Wall Here about Tommy Caldwell and friend's epic climb up a previously unconquered stretch of Yosemite's El Capitan. Ooh I just remembered I was going to muster up the courage to watch that crazy documentary about the bro who free climbs El Cap. (note resume geek-out)

 ~note that I actually attempted no climbing - as I have a relatively paralyzing fear of heights. To get above half-way up a climbing wall I would need like an Oprah level encouragement coach to shout affirmations at me. I like the terms though. Here are a few.

Pitch -  The climbing route between two belay points with a "full pitch" being the length of the rope, circa 50 metres

Portaledge - those terrifying little tents they pitch on the sides of sheer walls

To belay - means to secure a climber or a rope using friction, or to fasten a line around a pin or cleat.

I do like scrambling around on rocks that aren't too high. On the ranches I grew up on, we had quite a few large boulders and rocks and I spent time climbing them and then looking down in terror and somehow descending, half-crawling, half sliding. 

I admire Beth's courage in relating her story so authentically. 

On Gold Mountain by Lisa See

 

On Gold Mountain by Lisa See

June Book Club read

Fascinating account of a Chinese Immigrant family dynasty that begins with the patriarch coming over to work on the railroad and then segues into his son who opens a business in San Francisco selling crotchless underwear to the local brothels. The tale continues as the son marries a red-haired Pennsylvania Dutch pioneer girl who had been tragically orphaned and had tenaciously approached him for work.

The story is written by one of the family members, descendent Lisa See so the story is incredibly personal and yet full of historical context. 

It's been a minute since I read this and I don't have the book to reference as it was a library book. "Gold Mountain" refers to what the Chinese called the United States. Fong See and his wife eventually settle in Chinatown of Los Angeles and navigate away from underwear and into antiques. 

Fong See ultimately has multiple wives, official and un... The book traces many of their struggles and successes in integrated their blended cultural backgrounds. Our book club discussion was so interesting as members discussed personal experiences with marriages of mixed cultures. One of our group members majored in Asian studies and had traveled in China. 

They Meet at Last - She encounters Faulkner

 Title: The Unvanquished

Author: William Faulkner

Source: Grandma Rose's eclectic book collection passed on to me because she enjoyed it recently

Faulkner resides securely in my mind with other well known authors who default into the category (in my mind) of "familiarity breeds contempt." Often referenced, and ruined perchance for me by being unhappily pieced together into an American Lit anthology which I perused to pass a quiz whilst taking too many units a semester. 

This happened to me with Dickens; only because my mom was such a passionate devotee. I, absorbed a familiarity by proxy that somehow removed all desire to read the works for myself. Or maybe it was my portrayal of Scrooge in our family's Christmas Play - adapted and directed by my talented and charismatic mother when I was 11 years old (complete with dry ice to accompany the ghosts of Christmas pasts.) I humbly confess that it was a brilliant performance and should have hinted to an acting career if right time and place had permitted? The oil derrick hills of western Kern County are not the spawn of great connections for acting (apart from my mom's christmas plays? which far transcended any provincialism that surrounded us.)

Late but perhaps just when I was ready, (she begins to trust destiny at last,) she encounters Faulkner. (not an excerpt) but a complete novel. I just read that some contest the "novelneess" of his novel; it being apparently a series of short stories.)

It reads to me like a sort of stream of consciousness form of storytelling. I didn't find it easy to follow, but I will say I was bewitched by the characters and the spirit of southern pride and rebellion that seemed to resonate from deep within my ancestral strain. In the quagmire of the story, there is brotherhood that transcends race, malevolent racism that is part of the social construct, valour and pride that is not kind, the travesty of war and its bitter repercussions, also the addictive quixotic call of warfare and battle, (this is seen in Drusilla and John Sartoris when they return from battle.)

Defending one's family honor was definitely one of the highest values conveyed in this tale. Narrated, in the first person, Bayard Sartoris has to dig deep to muster up moxy that would match that of his renowned and gutsy pater.  His resilience and courage seem tenuous compared to his brother in arms Ringo whom he admits is more intelligent and seemingly capable (exhibited in his shrewd partnership with Granny in the enterprise of re-selling mules to the very Yankees whom they once belonged to. Ringo is destined to be his status inferior, being black, yet Faulkner has no qualms in conferring on him a powerful quality. The boys had grown up together, played together, slept in the same room, fates intertwined...

Maybe I like Faulkner so much because he's ahead of his time. He's no pawn of hierarchy. Granny is one of the more iconic characters in the story along with young cousin Drusilla who manages to be romantic, alluring, and tomboyish - riding off to battle and demanding to fight in John Sartoris' troop until the end of the war. The author implies that the impending election drew her attention far more than her mother's orchestration of her marriage to John Sartoris (the widowed husband of her cousin.) She had (after all) presumably shared a tent with him for two years across the battlefields of dixie. Drusilla claimed they were laser focused on the war.... yet... After her marriage, she also passionately elicits a kiss from young Bayard whilst married to his father; walking a tightrope of southern aristocracy and yet courting the risk that she was missing from the battlefield? 

I always admired Bayard's determination, but I felt worried for him, like I felt for Dickens' characters. I felt they were vulnerable somehow, sensitive souls. The women felt solid; wild and intrepid somehow. He satisfies his family honor and avenges his father's death, just enough? but not enough to please her of the verbena "filling the room, the dusk, the evening with that odor which she said you could smell along above the smell of horses." Drusilla wore verbena in her hair to overshadow the smell of battle, sweat, unwashed bodies. In the end, she departed before he returned from his duel. Was she disappointed that he had only wounded his adversary instead of killing him? Was she avoiding the complexity of her attraction to her dead husband's son? 

Sartoris.... I'm obsessed with that last name. Bayard Sartoris. Ok. Faulkner. You got me. It's been a long time coming...

Educated by Tara Westover

I can't let myself start another book until I finish reflecting on the three I just finished.... I'm contemplating banning myself from ordering more books from the library until I finish the ones I have on my bookshelf awaiting to be read.... hmmm/ So, pump it out. (Very un tao)

 

Title: Educated

Author: Tara Westover

Publication date: 2018

Format: library e book on kindle

Source: book club read for 2026 recommended by a member

When I read books on Kindle and/or audio from my Library app, I return them right after I finish. I can't really flip through the pages to reflect on what I've read as easily which makes it a bit difficult sometimes to recall certain key standouts. 

I remember feeling that the first chapters felt very magical and descriptive (even though there was a tone of sadness which is overarching throughout the whole book even though the reader doesn't yet realize how dark the narrative will get later on in the story.)

This is a memoir about the author's childhood growing up on in rural Idaho. Her father (parents) might be considered extreme Mormon fundamentalist survivalist types. She was born in 1986. For the most part she and her siblings never attended public school, had formal government documentation, or did conventional doctoring. 

This in and of itself might be considered shocking to some. Not to me so much. I grew up in some ways very similarly to Tara - thankfully minus mental illness, cruelty, and such extreme isolation; but in other ways, I could imagine her life perhaps much better than some others. 

My family was self employed like her. We relied on each other for our primary source of socialization. This was a very positive experience for me (sadly unlike the author.) Also in common - Tara had certain natural elements in her home landscape that were anchors of identity in her mind and story. She frequently references the mountain "Buck's Peak" and a rock formation known as "The Indian Princess." I related to that a lot. I felt that key nature images of my home landscape were as much a part of me almost as my family members: the rock formation we called "the Monkey Face", the canyon to the southwest we called "the Reyes", and many other trees, canyons, streams, and so forth which were contexts in which my imagination flourished as a child. (I was in a safe environment where nature explorations were not where I went to hide (although maybe some of that) but were encouraged as part of  learning, play, and work.) 

Like Tara, my Dad maintained a stretch of our phone line when I was a kid meaning that when there was a storm, it didn't work for awhile. We had a generator for power and also used kerosene lamps sometimes. We homeschooled (although not for our entire education) and were involved with helping with the family business. Like many rural westerners, we maintained a healthy cynicism about anything government related and tended to rely more on ourselves and/or other community members rather than professional or government support. We also were conservative religiously and held to fundamentalist beliefs in many ways. 

That's pretty much where the resemblance ends. As the story progresses, Tara slowly reveals the deep dysfunction, fear, illness, and disconnect that characterized her childhood in many ways. Her story is very sad and there are deeply disturbing parts. I kind of felt like sometimes when you see something horrible on the news and you are repelled but you can't take your eyes off the screen because you're so morbidly curious. There are episodes of physical and psychological cruelty, but it is also a tribute to human tenacity and her spirit shines through as she overcomes many obstacles in order to go away to college, become a scholar, and eventually forge a new life. 

I think one of the most interesting parts of the story is how Tara had to re-invent herself as a young adult. I can kind of relate to that in that when you grow up in a rural lifestyle, there is kind of a learning curve to normal suburban or urban life that is very different. Things like going to the doctor or figuring out how to travel, what to wear, and also filling in cultural gaps that might exist (in her case because of not studying history) (in both of ours not having television). 

I think as a reader, parent, daughter, one of the most painful parts of the story are her repeated attempts to reconcile with her parents and assist her siblings. It shows how deep-rooted is the desire to have an intact relationship with our tribe no matter how far we physically and spiritually move away from them. Just as a literary aside, I sometimes felt that the voice was very distant and numb in the recounting. Not sure if I'm just intuiting a survival mechanism employed by the author in the process of which she endured which leaked over into her storytelling. Not sure.  

Sharing this story must have taken a lot of courage and I hope that in sharing, she has found healing and also a community of people who might also discover needed solace and connection. 

Genius, Fascinating, Riveting, Mind-Blowing Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel

 

Title: Mating in Captivity

Author: Esther Perel

Published: 2006

Version: Audio book read by the Author

Source: I think Esther Perel was referenced in another book I was reading but I can't remember which one (an anthropology book?) I read one of her other books and have listened to her podcasts. 

This is one of my book club's 2026 reads (I'm ahead kind of on accident - it popped up on my library app)

Genius, fascinating, riveting, mind blowing. 

This book has been around a minute. It's 2026 and I'm just discovering Esther Perel (within the past few years). She's amazing! I realize that I'm prone to gushing but she is so gushworthy. Let me just begin with this blurb from the book description which says so much.

Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel explores the paradox of maintaining sexual desire in long-term, committed relationships, arguing that domesticity and intimacy can stifle lust, which thrives on mystery and individuality.

It doesn't take a Sherlock to figure out why this book might not have been circulating in the arenas I traveled in. If you want to read something about sexuality that offers a multi-cultural global perspective and plenty of real life examples from Perel's work as a therapist, you will love this! Esther's insights are  compassionate, novel, sensible, and sensual all at the same time. 

I can't imagine anyone who wouldn't find this topic at least mildly interesting. I think one her primary offerings lies in challenging cultural biases, assumptions, traditions and in offering language to talk about this topic. One might assume that our culture is overly saturated with sex, but Perel really highlights the extremely polarizing views that Americans (United Statesians) have about sexuality. She explores this through sharing stories of her many clients/patients as she helps them unpack their deep seated beliefs about sexuality and particularly as it applies to committed relationships. She points out that it's surprisingly difficult sometimes to discuss fears, desires, dreams, and even erotic fantasies with one's own partner but again and again she emphasizes the importance of doing so - with care. She is not  an advocate of "tell all" or that self revelation is always kind or helpful. I appreciate this. She emphasizes communication and exploration but also the importance of individuality as a catalyst for eroticism. 

What I greatly appreciate is that this is not a reductive formulaic self help book in any way shape or form. It's more like an anthropology book that acknowledges the nuances and complexities of sexuality and offers mind blowing ideas and ways to think differently about it. She honors the huge value that stable relationships have to families and societies and I think her work is very pivotal in building a vision for coupledom that can take pressure off of the highly romanticized version of modern partnership that can be deeply disillusioning and crumbles under the weight of heavy expectation.

She is truly a brilliant writer as well as thinker. Gush Gush. I know. Her multi-cultural experiences and background add a rich and unique layer to her research and case studies (in the trenches) therapeutic practice.