Instinctual Types Morality Shaming

I decided I wanted to learn more about Enneagram Instincts. I've read and studied quite a bit about the Enneagram over the past decade or so, but I haven't focused all that much on the Instincts. I recently discovered a podcast by The Art of Growth.

https://www.theartofgrowth.org/discoveryourtype?gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjwhIS0BhBqEiwADAUhc21WR5YYhkWss7rd2HqNGN3rt7PFqDwkmIIdsl2zaV2w1NUI7Cg3oRoC3FYQAvD_BwE

I found a season where they are really focusing in on the instincts - perfect.

I'm only halfway through the episode but it's really interested.

The instincts are presented in a way as having developed through our evolutionary biology, all having fundamentally important contributions to human survival. We all possess all three, but just as in the primary nine enneagram types, we will find ourselves dominant in one area. The goal is to bring these instincts up from the lizard brain to a more conscious awareness of how we employ them. Perhaps we need to harness more of one energy that we're not tapping into. This kind of reminds me of a book club I'm doing on the goddess archetypes and the active role we can have in tapping into energies that we need.

Here are the 3 instincts: These are my summary takeaways 

Self Preservation: tuned into comfort, security, rest, well being, resources

Sexual: tuned into risk taking, intense energetic connections with other individuals, attracting and charming others, close merge/bonding, referred to as "one on one" in corporate coaching

Social: tuned into hierarchies, groups, tribal roles, preservation of the group, to be honest, I haven't finished listening to this part!

What was standing out to me is the way that we can tend to morally elevate our own instinct as if it's intrinsically more valuable or better than others. My burning need to write about this is because it's been coming up a lot for me lately. I see how I've been the recipient of this type of shaming and the doler of it. (I mention in my bio that I invent words right?)

As a sexual instinctual type, risk taking is inherently something I both crave and contribute. (*For anyone slightly prudish out there "sexual" refers to one on one connecting energy, not the act of sex or being "sexy.") 

Risk taking is a vital part of my well being and if I don't have it, I begin to get depressed. This is something I'm only just beginning to acknowledge and figure out how to implement in ways that are not harmful, addictive, or toxic. My propensity to seek change, new experiences, new friendships, new groups etc. is something that's often frustrated me about myself and I see that I've been reluctant to accept. I also think it hasn't always met with approval by others and has been difficult to understand. However, I have felt encouraged in this by a few cheerleader people in my life and for them I am immensely grateful. Healthy productive risk taking was a part of my upbringing on a cattle ranch, and I'm so thankful that it was developed within me when I was young. I think it's extremely underdeveloped in most young people in "western culture" in meaningful healthy ways. 

On the flip side, I have experienced (mostly self pres) types giving me some flack for my propensity to want to live in the moment, and unwillingness to focus on things they think I should value more like: coupons, savings account, eating, sleeping, safety, and security. 

In my experience self pres types tend to moralize things like savings and prudence in ways that can make sexual types feel less than or somehow inferior. In the podcast, I love how they highlight how risk taking types might have contributed to the human story by being willing to brave predators and make changes that ended up being vitally important to the survival of the group. Ever since I read Keirsey's amazing book Please Understand Me, about MBTI, I've always embraced the notion of myself as a catalyst personality who tends to stir things up, be big picture thinker, and an agent of change. However, I have also simultaneously experienced type envy where I wished I could be more like the steady beaver types who were really good at routine and structure, and don't seem to mind doing the same things day in and day out. I think I largely disregarded the risk taking part of myself - also because I think it was shoved outside by my role as primary caretaker of my daughters. Now that they're getting older and more independent perhaps my subconscious risk taker self is shouting for more attention.

Some time ago I read something about Tony Robbins Essential human needs (listed below) and I was floored. It fits in so well with the instincts. The one that stood out to me at the time was #2. I felt it validated something deep within myself that was resisting all the incessant voices of safety, comfort, security, social status... Not that there's anything wrong with those things. Just I felt I valued them less than others and I didn't understand why I felt so resistant to it and I resented the implication that somehow focusing on these things has some kind of moral benefit. I want to take a moment to highlight how important it can be to distinguish values from morals. (another topic for another day)

1. Certainty: assurance you can avoid pain and gain pleasure

2. Uncertainty/Variety: the need for the unknown, change, new stimuli
3. Significance: feeling unique, important, special or needed
4. Connection/Love: a strong feeling of closeness or union with someone or something
5. Growth: an expansion of capacity, capability or understanding
6. Contribution: a sense of service and focus on helping, giving to and supporting others

I also have been guilty of feeling superior somehow to others. For example I have a disdain for focusing on micro money. It reminds me of the British elite. I might be completely broke, but I'd rather pretend to be wealthy and generous at all costs. I don't want to haggle. I don't want to have a conversation about how much you spent on lettuce. Sorry. I also may have been guilty of mocking people who are too concerned with comfort and safety. I have pitied them actually - viewing them as people who are perpetually on the sidelines of life, which I'm acknowledging is rude and unfair of myself. 

Worst of all, I probably struggle most with social instinctual types. I may be dead wrong, but somehow I see them as the instigators of heinous social traditions like the tyranny of Mothers Day and incessant birthday festivities. (and may I remind you, these harbingers of social togetherness and groupthink bring up these topics every single year.) But ultimately, I see how these VALUES  of theirs have their place and I want to extend the gracious hand of freedom to those who wish to engage in lots of group activities and traditions at every opportunity. (as long as they don't shame me if I choose not to prioritize those things.) 

When I go on these tirades about Mothers Day and birthdays, I always want to make sure that I always make exceptions to my protest if anyone gives me a gift that includes: wine, coffee, going out to dinner, turquoise jewelry, or an outdoor experience, or a hug, a massage, monetary gifts must be included in this as well. Also please invite me to your party especially if there's Mexican food and alcohol, dancing, and a lovely outdoor setting. (We can't all be consistent all the time.)

I'm curious at the emotions that this has stirred up for me. I'm eager to keep listening to the whole season on the instincts and hopefully I can cultivate more awareness and extend more grace to self and others. I want to challenge myself to tap into and appreciate the strengths and contributions of others that are vitally significant to me and the group.