~Trigger alert: unfiltered self reflections abound in this entry
The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga pub: 2018
is a bestselling self-help and philosophy book that explains how to achieve true happiness by breaking free from past trauma and the desire for approval.
Core Structure
- Format: A Socratic dialogue over five nights between a cynical young man and a wise philosopher.
- Foundation: Based on the individual psychology of Alfred Adler, a 19th/20th-century pioneer alongside Freud and Jung.
Let us say that one (one being me) always needs lots of encouragement to break free from enmeshment, over functioning, co-dependency, and obsession with the past. I'm kind of a psychology junkie and I have to agree with the authors that the psychology I've been most exposed to is of the Freudian strain which emphasizes the concept that past trauma pretty much defines us.
I'm not sure if Jung emphasizes the past as much, I'm more familiar with Jung in his focus on archetypes and tapping into the subconscious. ie Jung is the forefather of MBTI which is the basis of Keirsey's Temperament Sorter which anyone who has known me very long might know that I'm unabashedly obsessed with. I also adore the book Goddesses in Every Woman, written by Jungian Psychotherapist Jean Shinoda Bolen.
I've heard of Adler, but I feel he is much less referenced and I think this is the first book I've every read about his ideas. It's kind of interesting because I was simultaneously listening to this audio book below which definitely has some parallels. The universe is trying to tell me something. I'm very resistant to this, because as an enneagram four there's hardly anything I love more than wallowing in melancholy and viewing myself as a tragic figure. To be forced to hear from two different sources at once, that I can choose to be happy or at least not worry about whether or not I'm happy and focus on being functional and doing my duty was simultaneously exhilarating and a threat to my entire way of life.
Sidenote. My sister and I were camping in Kings Canyon while I was reading the Courage to be Disliked. She was reading a book about healing and we talked about how people (when I say people I actually mean mostly women) tend to bond over sharing their woes. The book she was reading actually suggested that some people never progress beyond their trauma because they fear losing the relationships or support groups they have built around their trauma or pain. This was quite resonant because I have several female relationships where I actually pre-prep for the meetup by conjuring up all the negative things in my life that I want to rant on about, and they're usually always the same things BTW. This is embarrassing to reveal actually. While I don't intend to stop this habit cold turkey, because maybe it's cathartic, I think introducing this awareness into the mix will do no harm, and recognizing that I can cultivate bonds even if there's nothing particular to lament about.
I want to share a few of the chapter headings, because they're remarkably simple but the execution of these concepts I find to be kind of radical: The book is divided into conversations that span five nights which I find to be quite artistic. I will include my journal notes from camping that I jotted beneath each heading:
The First Night
Deny Trauma
- opposite of Freud
- It's not about what you're born with, but what you make of the equipment
The Second Night
All Problems are Interpersonal Relationship Problems
- 2 objectives - to be self-reliant. To live in harmony with society
The Third Night
Discard other people's tasks
- real freedom
- personal responsibility
- assistance not intervention
The Fourth Night
Where the Center of the World Is
- the larger community
- not punishment/praise
- horizontal not vertical relationships
- people have value for being not just what they do
- don't escape or avoid pain, let it be
- don't take yourself or life too seriously
The Fifth Night
To live in earnest in the here and now
- workaholism focuses on only one aspect of contribution
- happiness is a feeling of contribution
- the dance not the destination
- have the courage to have a normal life (this is really hard for me - more about this below)
Normal life:
Why do I find this concept so difficult? It's simple. I think of myself as an aristocratic snob. No one likes to admit that there's a class system but there always is one. I was raised as part of local landed dynasty on both sides of my family. I was intensely proud of my unique ranch upbringing. I'm not living that lifestyle. Combine that with my enneagram four personality type which prizes individuality, originality, and scorns the ordinary. It doesn't take long to ponder why I feel such resistance to living in a suburb in Bakersfield (a place I always thought of with distaste), working as an employee, having 2 children, the SUV, blah blah blah. (oh this is one of my boring repetitive rants to sympathetic female friends) Such awareness leaves me with two options, acceptance or seek change. ( I tried the latter but it never seemed to quite work out, yet...) So here I am faced with the challenge to be happy. To be happy in normalcy. (Believe me I'm not broaching what is a normal life at a global level, just in the small sphere of this geographic region.) Also recognizing that constantly focusing on choices or situations that led me to this "predicament" actually sabotages present contentment and actually threatens to betray my present and future self. I'm faced with tiny artistic expressions of uniqueness instead of what I see as sweeping glamorous career/lifestyle identities.
Can it be ok? Is it enough? Whether it is or not.. it is.... To live in earnest in the here and now... Powerful, difficult, baby steps.... Contribute yet be self-reliant. Do my own tasks. Encourage others in their tasks without interfering. Risk being disliked through abiding by the above. To some this may seem simple, but to a highly sensitive soul and empath who absorbs the emotions of others, believe me it's pretty difficult.
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