A faded unblooming Orchid person examines The Lady's Handbook for her Mysterious Illness - Sarah Ramey

 source: friend Emilee

Sarah Ramey is a fluid writer and so funny! My favorite memoir style to read and write. A soul sister with an amazing Musician Name: Wolf Larsen.

If you have a distressing but mysterious illness that remains undiagnosed. If you've ever gone to a doctor and said that you know something's wrong with you and had them look at you blankly stating that your bloodwork is fine and that you look fine and maybe you're just getting older... Then you discover that all of your symptoms align with adrenal and cortisol issues and you take sea salt and balance your blood sugar and fill hellava better and wonder why "doctors" don't give credence to this stuff... (true story) You will relate in some level to Sarah Ramey's tale. 

I've had a number of female friends and some male friends and relatives over the years who came to mind as I was reading this. The friend who thought she had MS and then not. My sister in law diagnosed with fibromyalgia and then undiagnosed, who has suffered with chronic body pain for 8 years that remains undiagnosed despite a litany of unconventional and alternative practitioner visits. My brother, who thanks to some high quality care was able to figure out a diagnosis for Myasthenia Gravis. Many of my massage therapy clients who struggled with pain but knew not why.

This is not a formulaic self help book. It's a relatable tale that explores the complexity of health which involves the molecules of our cells and our unique psyches. 

I love psychology so I was leaning into the sections that correlated certain personalities and health issues. The parallels resonate. Is it a coincidence that many of the women I know who have thyroid conditions are HSPs? (including myself) "Highly Sensitive People" 

I'm fully convinced that pathological people pleasers internalize in their bodies the repercussions of the many ways they repress their spirits and mold their beings to conform to the pleasures of those around them or to avoid conflict which is anathema to porous sensitive types. To the extent in which these pin cushions (one of my favorite metaphors for how I feel about myself) learn how to take ownership of their lives, stop asking for approval or avoiding disapproval (more apt), the more they will be able to support their unique health journey.

Sarah references the Orchid Child theory.  "derived from Swedish idiom orkidebarn is the theory that between 15-20 percent of any animal population is genetically more sensitive to the environment than the rest of their species." She does a short analysis of how introverts and artistic types while being more susceptible to harm and weakness are also more prone to produce beauty (orchid) when cultivated in the right environment with the right conditions. 

There's a lot I could say about being an HSP. If you are one, you know what it's like to walk into a room and sense the emotions of everyone present. You know the feeling of having one harsh word or criticism demoralize you to the point of tears. As a young child, I found chastisement so profoundly painful that I made a vow to avoid it - even at great personal cost. These types of vows become deeply internalized habits of life. I became a master at reading authority figures and conforming to whatever they would expect. This kind of behavior is reinforced by constant praise and accolades from adults. I was led to believe that this type of behavior would somehow lead to my becoming a successful adult. I was a successful student but once I had left the fold of institutional education I was pretty clueless. There's lots of reasons for that that layer onto personality that are cultural and religious and genderous (my word) but that's another topic for another day.

The myth that success in school leads to success in life was always implied back in those days. Learning to conform to a group is a good life skill, but constantly squelching your own personality and desires does not lend itself to health, wellbeing, and successful adulting. My peers who acknowledged what they wanted even when it differed from what was touted, had better footing to launch into an adulthood where there is no parent or teacher who gives you a syllabus for life.  

There's a lot I could say about HSP parenting and the pros and cons of a democratic parenting style where authority is held extremely tentatively. I could talk about gravitating to becoming an employee because it feels like the classroom - back where I was successful and approved of. I could mention the prolonged early adulthood years of crippling constipation which I believe stemmed from religious fanaticism and self-imposed repression, but you are spared this. (for now) referencing it is more than sufficient. The point is that personality and psychological state definitely affect our physical well being.

"I discovered a long essay Ane had written for her clients about the Minotaur's labyrinth of medical problems they might be facing as highly sensitive people. It was just like my map and Dr. Hyman's map. It was about dysbiosis, adrenals, inflammation, diet, sensitivity, stress, toxins, nutrients."

Some people feel righteous in their constant pursuit of the right physician or the right treatment. Hoping for a magic bullet that will make the pain go away. Sarah had to grow up and like all of us learn how to integrate authority with her own vision of life. 

I'm thankful for her honest and courageous exploration. 

Listening Valley DE Stevenson

This British Author was introduced to me by my friend Emilee and I adore her. I've read several of her books but can't remember if I've written about her. She kind of reminds me of LM Montgomery although her books are written for adults. They have lots of lovely nature imagery (but not too much.) Her characters are kindred spirits and so relatable despite being set several generations back from me. 

I love the quote from this page of Listening Valley " One need never be dull as long as one has friends to help, gardens to enjoy, and books in the long winter evenings."

This captures the spirit of my vision for 2025 and perhaps my "2nd half of life" in general.

 

Dance of the Tiger by Kurten

 

Dance of the Tiger is a novel by Finnish palaeontologist Björn Kurtén, published in 1978 and English translation in 1980. It is a prehistoric novel dealing with the interaction between Neanderthals and Cro-Magnons. A sequel, Singletusk, published in 1982, continues the story of the family. Wikipedia

Kurten - really knows his stuff so even though it requires a deal of imagination to build a novel around early human interactions with Neanderthals'; it has an archaeological foundation.

I skimmed a lot as I do with most novels anymore. You kind of know where the plot is going and I get impatient in the getting there. I think I am most fascinated with how people re-imagine the social constructs of prehistoric people.

I recently watched the film The Quest for Fire - which has a similar pursuit. A creative attempt to capture prehistorical human culture.  

Excerpt from my Memoir "Vignettes of an Exodus"

I used to idealize colonial America, the founding fathers, Pilgrims and most especially frontierspeople, cowboys, and white pioneers who “came west.” I still like them fine and I like them better than the established old european aristocracy which was so keen on premoginature at the expense of competency, lunacy, and efficacy. However they are no longer my idealized life. 

If I want to escape from the sterility of modern life with its hyper concern for safety, constant communication sources, and profound stability, I like to think about pre-historic, pre-agriculture, indigenous, hunter/gatherer, or tribal life. I realize you can’t lump a bunch of humans into this category and be anthropolgically sound, but for this reflection I can.

I used to romanticize about wearing a sunbonnet and tending a garden. Now, that sounds like drudgery. I want to cherry pick the things from what I fancy Indians did and think about that. I don’t choose to linger on chewing hides to soften them for clothing as Innuit women did. Nor do I want to wallow in buffalo blood as I endlessly tan the hides like my Comanche sister friends. Although I’m not sure how I would feel about these pursuits truly.

I don’t want to plow up the soil of 160 acres but I do want to wander the forests of North America, untouched by chain saws, freeways, and power poles. I want to forage for edible plants, and make my own house. I want dancing to be part of my spirituality. I want animal visions to be messengers of the beyond and to be in tune with every source of my food. I want to apologize to an animal’s spirit before I kill it; knowing that we are intimately connected. I want to drink straight from a spring and I want my cycle to coincide with that of the moon because I’m constantly privy to its light. I want to raise my children with my mother and sisters and look to elders for their wisdom. I want to wait for my man to come back from battle and comfort him with food and my body. 

I don’t want to go to the little red school house. I want the saguaros to be my teacher. I want my book to be the one inscribed by the stars.

Nor do I want to show up at the church steeple where some ideas from a far away land and the knowledge of another tribe have to be my guide. I want to learn from my own people, their stories, and their ways. I want my ideas about God to be something I absorb through watching the owl, navigating the river in a handcrafted vessel, and feeling the electricity of the earth pulsating through my feet. 

I don’t want to live within the wall of a house and have to ever maintain it and keep my children isolated within it. I want to hold my baby when she cries and feed her at will; keeping her close to my body as my instincts dictated; not force her to conform to an arbitrary sleep schedule. That my children could learn from play and play to learn, growing naturally into adulthood in the fold of a family clan. 

I want to harness my intuition to survive instead of going to Target. I want to learn the lore and patterns of creatures that are my foes, friends, and food. This is what I idealize. I dream of fashioning  a weapon that has been perfected slowly and passed down by oral tradition. I want to eat a food that I have intimately handled from start to finish. I want to bathe in the river and follow the chime of the seasons in my habits of life. I want to pick up and move if I need to and be able to assemble my belongings in one day. I want the earth to be my mother. This is what I dream of.

Instinctual Types Morality Shaming

I decided I wanted to learn more about Enneagram Instincts. I've read and studied quite a bit about the Enneagram over the past decade or so, but I haven't focused all that much on the Instincts. I recently discovered a podcast by The Art of Growth.

https://www.theartofgrowth.org/discoveryourtype?gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjwhIS0BhBqEiwADAUhc21WR5YYhkWss7rd2HqNGN3rt7PFqDwkmIIdsl2zaV2w1NUI7Cg3oRoC3FYQAvD_BwE

I found a season where they are really focusing in on the instincts - perfect.

I'm only halfway through the episode but it's really interested.

The instincts are presented in a way as having developed through our evolutionary biology, all having fundamentally important contributions to human survival. We all possess all three, but just as in the primary nine enneagram types, we will find ourselves dominant in one area. The goal is to bring these instincts up from the lizard brain to a more conscious awareness of how we employ them. Perhaps we need to harness more of one energy that we're not tapping into. This kind of reminds me of a book club I'm doing on the goddess archetypes and the active role we can have in tapping into energies that we need.

Here are the 3 instincts: These are my summary takeaways 

Self Preservation: tuned into comfort, security, rest, well being, resources

Sexual: tuned into risk taking, intense energetic connections with other individuals, attracting and charming others, close merge/bonding, referred to as "one on one" in corporate coaching

Social: tuned into hierarchies, groups, tribal roles, preservation of the group, to be honest, I haven't finished listening to this part!

What was standing out to me is the way that we can tend to morally elevate our own instinct as if it's intrinsically more valuable or better than others. My burning need to write about this is because it's been coming up a lot for me lately. I see how I've been the recipient of this type of shaming and the doler of it. (I mention in my bio that I invent words right?)

As a sexual instinctual type, risk taking is inherently something I both crave and contribute. (*For anyone slightly prudish out there "sexual" refers to one on one connecting energy, not the act of sex or being "sexy.") 

Risk taking is a vital part of my well being and if I don't have it, I begin to get depressed. This is something I'm only just beginning to acknowledge and figure out how to implement in ways that are not harmful, addictive, or toxic. My propensity to seek change, new experiences, new friendships, new groups etc. is something that's often frustrated me about myself and I see that I've been reluctant to accept. I also think it hasn't always met with approval by others and has been difficult to understand. However, I have felt encouraged in this by a few cheerleader people in my life and for them I am immensely grateful. Healthy productive risk taking was a part of my upbringing on a cattle ranch, and I'm so thankful that it was developed within me when I was young. I think it's extremely underdeveloped in most young people in "western culture" in meaningful healthy ways. 

On the flip side, I have experienced (mostly self pres) types giving me some flack for my propensity to want to live in the moment, and unwillingness to focus on things they think I should value more like: coupons, savings account, eating, sleeping, safety, and security. 

In my experience self pres types tend to moralize things like savings and prudence in ways that can make sexual types feel less than or somehow inferior. In the podcast, I love how they highlight how risk taking types might have contributed to the human story by being willing to brave predators and make changes that ended up being vitally important to the survival of the group. Ever since I read Keirsey's amazing book Please Understand Me, about MBTI, I've always embraced the notion of myself as a catalyst personality who tends to stir things up, be big picture thinker, and an agent of change. However, I have also simultaneously experienced type envy where I wished I could be more like the steady beaver types who were really good at routine and structure, and don't seem to mind doing the same things day in and day out. I think I largely disregarded the risk taking part of myself - also because I think it was shoved outside by my role as primary caretaker of my daughters. Now that they're getting older and more independent perhaps my subconscious risk taker self is shouting for more attention.

Some time ago I read something about Tony Robbins Essential human needs (listed below) and I was floored. It fits in so well with the instincts. The one that stood out to me at the time was #2. I felt it validated something deep within myself that was resisting all the incessant voices of safety, comfort, security, social status... Not that there's anything wrong with those things. Just I felt I valued them less than others and I didn't understand why I felt so resistant to it and I resented the implication that somehow focusing on these things has some kind of moral benefit. I want to take a moment to highlight how important it can be to distinguish values from morals. (another topic for another day)

1. Certainty: assurance you can avoid pain and gain pleasure

2. Uncertainty/Variety: the need for the unknown, change, new stimuli
3. Significance: feeling unique, important, special or needed
4. Connection/Love: a strong feeling of closeness or union with someone or something
5. Growth: an expansion of capacity, capability or understanding
6. Contribution: a sense of service and focus on helping, giving to and supporting others

I also have been guilty of feeling superior somehow to others. For example I have a disdain for focusing on micro money. It reminds me of the British elite. I might be completely broke, but I'd rather pretend to be wealthy and generous at all costs. I don't want to haggle. I don't want to have a conversation about how much you spent on lettuce. Sorry. I also may have been guilty of mocking people who are too concerned with comfort and safety. I have pitied them actually - viewing them as people who are perpetually on the sidelines of life, which I'm acknowledging is rude and unfair of myself. 

Worst of all, I probably struggle most with social instinctual types. I may be dead wrong, but somehow I see them as the instigators of heinous social traditions like the tyranny of Mothers Day and incessant birthday festivities. (and may I remind you, these harbingers of social togetherness and groupthink bring up these topics every single year.) But ultimately, I see how these VALUES  of theirs have their place and I want to extend the gracious hand of freedom to those who wish to engage in lots of group activities and traditions at every opportunity. (as long as they don't shame me if I choose not to prioritize those things.) 

When I go on these tirades about Mothers Day and birthdays, I always want to make sure that I always make exceptions to my protest if anyone gives me a gift that includes: wine, coffee, going out to dinner, turquoise jewelry, or an outdoor experience, or a hug, a massage, monetary gifts must be included in this as well. Also please invite me to your party especially if there's Mexican food and alcohol, dancing, and a lovely outdoor setting. (We can't all be consistent all the time.)

I'm curious at the emotions that this has stirred up for me. I'm eager to keep listening to the whole season on the instincts and hopefully I can cultivate more awareness and extend more grace to self and others. I want to challenge myself to tap into and appreciate the strengths and contributions of others that are vitally significant to me and the group.

How Jesus became Became God - Bart Ehrman

 

https://www.bartehrman.com/

Standouts - 

• scholarship and references
• personal insights about faith journey from fundamentalism - Moody Bible Institute to Wheaton I believe - seems the classic deconstruction journey to more liberal forms of Christianity to exiting the establishment.
• putting Jesus in the context of other apocalyptic prophets of his era. I think this stood out for me because I had always thought Jesus' resurrection ushered in apocalyptic thinking for his followers, but actually to understand that certain Jews of that era (and others?) were immersed in the idea that the world was soon to end makes many of Jesus' teachings - especially the more radical ones, clearer. 
• the Resurrection. He does a fantastic analysis of the different viewpoints surrounding how people could interpret the event - from mass hallucinations to contradictions in stories. Interesting he parallels the many supernatural sightings that have occurred - especially the Mary visitations. He talks about how dismissive protestants are of them - despite numerous interesting eyewitness accounts in various places. Protestants who are quick to defend the validity of the resurrection of Jesus testimonies penned decades after the fact. 
• The gospels - I never realized (or forgot) that the gospels were written after Paul's epistles! Paul's epistles are the first things penned some 20 years after Jesus' death. The first gospel (Mark) was put down between 40-60 years after Jesus' death. That explains a lot about the discrepancies between the various gospels and the way that oral tradition can be a difficult resource for an accurate journalistic account which the gospels are not. 
• the above two bullets are believed through an act of faith just as not believing is an act of faith - he references Pascal and does a great analysis of how his theory may be a bit of an oversimplification. 
• "The history of my own personal theology is a mirror image of the history of the theology of the early church. In early Christianity the views got "higher and higher" with the passing of time, as he became increasingly identified as divine. Jesus went from being a potential (human) messiah to becoming the Son of God exalted to a divine status at his resurrection; to being a preexistent angelic being who came into the earth incarnate as a man; to being the incarnation of the word of God who existed before all time and through whom the world was created, to being God himself, equal with God the father and always existent with him. My own personal beliefs in Jesus moved in precisely the opposite direction." 

The above section from the epilogue I found to be quite a fascinating synopsis and an example of the way the author weaves his story in with his research. 

Spider Webs are my new friend

 

Have I ever mentioned that Barbara Kingsolver is one of my idols? Have you ever felt like someone was living the life you want to live? I recently read an excerpt of her discussing her two homes: one in Tucson and a farm in Appalachia. Enough said.

Appalachia - such an awesome word:

Mountains and deserts.

She's like a way smarter more scientific me.

A writer. 

She's doing it. What everyone always told me I should do.

It's not too late. 

This book as usual, combines her biology lore with some fabulous characters. She switches back and forth between three main characters (3rd person) narrative. Setting is in rural Appalachia. There's a constant thread of environmental activism. ( Barb is an activist and then a storyteller.) 

It's thought provoking, funny, sensual as all get out, and unpredictable with realistic complex characters. She has a refreshing view of humans as just "one of the animals" which fits nicely with my new thought patterns.

She's inspiring me to be more conscious. For example she does this whole little essay on predators. If you take down the web, you're going to have an influx of flies. Why are we so stupid? We're spraying for all this stuff that nature has already figured out how to seek a balance in.

I'm going to stop taking down my patio webs. Just a tiny step in the direction of natural balance.