Attached, The New Science of Attachment, Levine & Heller - some less than comfortable revelations

 

Attached, The New Science of Adult Attachment

by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

Pub: 2010

I started becoming curious about Attachment styles. I've heard them referenced over the years, but this is the first book I've read about it. I listened to a few podcasts and a few online things over the past few weeks. 

This book focuses on how attachment styles manifest in romantic relationships. From my novice understanding, there are three main attachment styles: anxious, secure, and avoidant. Then there's disorganized which bounces between anxious and avoidant. 

The authors kind of hinge a lot on attachment style. Obviously like personality psychology, there's a lot that influences people from genetics to environmental factors. One thing I like, is that the authors don't rest on the concept that attachment style is entirely formed by the relative responsiveness of one's parents or primary caregivers. A huge part of attachment theory in general is based on the notion that early neglect lends itself to avoidant and anxious attachment issues that particularly play out in one's adult romantic attachments. They point out that there could be other influences that activate insecure attachment styles even on into adulthood and that even genetics could be an influence.

Bullet points of attachment style based on relative parental responsiveness

secure - parents are sensitive, available, responsive

anxious - parents are inconsistently responsive

avoidant - parents are distant, rigid, unresponsive

I think one thing that surprised me about this book, is that I assumed if you fall into one of the insecure attachment style categories that the objective would be to fix it. The authors tended to encourage the reader to become more attune to their attachment style and focus rather on finding partners who are a good fit for it. I'm sure they wouldn't argue against the idea that we could learn to be more secure - in fact, we can - because of neuroplasticity, however, one of the reoccurring themes in this book is the dynamic pull of avoidants and anxious types towards one another.

I think they must have observed that anxious types are constantly drawn to avoidants and basically (in my typical hyperbolic fashion here bear with me) ruin their lives trying to get the avoidants to express love to them in the way they need, which rarely ever happens. The authors are like "bro, if you're an anxious attachment style, pleeeeaaasae find someone who is going to consistently show up for you, give you a dang hug, and tell you they love you, reassure you, and give you that consistent dose of God's sweet gift oxytocin." Anxious types fall into the trap of chasing that sweet mountaintop high of drug cocktail doled out sparingly by said partner avoidant, crashing and wondering if they love them at all, engaging in push and pull games which vary from outright stalking to feigning aloofness (I wouldn't know about this) all in pursuit of reassurance and the elusive hope of another hit.

They elude to the fact that secure relationships might seem outright dull after engaging in this kind of roller coaster. They're better for your health and all that other stuff that stability does for you though girl.

I've been trying to assess my own attachment style. I see a lot of secure elements, but I was interested to see that I related to quite a few anxious attachment behaviors and avoidant things with certain relationships. One thing I'm intrigued to explore is how losing a parent influences this. Even though my mom was a responsive and loving parent, my biological dad died tragically and suddenly when I was three years old. Can my anxious attachment style be a result of that? I had an adopted dad who was loving and stable, but... could such a tragedy at such an influential developmental stage have lent itself (in a highly sensitive child) to a temperament that is prone to having anxious attachment activated with certain people in certain situations? 

It kind of makes sense...

One podcast I listened to, focused more on how to care for yourself so that you're not looking to others so much. The goal is interdependency not co-dependency. Trying not to overshare, but I see the pattern of wanting others to meet my unstated, unvoiced needs. I don't even do the work to understand what my needs are and yet I expect others to have that figured out somehow. And when I say "do the work" I actually mean that. I think some people are very in tune with their own needs. I'm not one of those people. I have to journal or verbally process to even tap into that glacial well. Then I'm horrible at asking others for things. (this is the avoidant thing? or family culture?) I literally will go to such great lengths not to have to need anything from anyone.

In certain relationships I will emotionally disintegrate if I think they are pulling away. I'm like a (the book talks about this) a highly attuned radar picking up on every cue re: the status of said rapport with this person. The slightest verbal or non verbal cue could potentially spin me into the assumption that they are rejecting me. The fear of facing rejection or abandonment has guided me my entire life. I subconsciously honed people reading to superpower level heights. It's scary and pretty depressing to realize how much self-abandonment happens when you elevate the goal of never being rejected or even disapproved of slightly. I feel like to reverse this I'd have to have a loud, preferably huge obscenity shouting coach accompany me everywhere and encourage me to piss people off just so that I can with exposure therapy begin to learn how to achieve a normal state of "not giving a ...."

I don't have one of those, so I just have to stumble along here on my own reading self help books published like over a decade ago and I'm just finding them now. Much like I have to learn about historical biblical insights that people have known for literally decades and most people are still oblivious to. (probably blissfully)

So what about parenting when you're an anxious attachment girl? Was I overly responsive? probably. or ricocheting between all consuming nurturing to collapsement. (I just made up another word y'all.)

Anyway. The cool take away is that if you notice your attachment style becoming activated you can calm it down. Take a deep breath. Go eat a cheeseburger or something. 

Ooh, before I forget. I don't know a lot about evolutionary biology, neuroscience etc. but I've read some things that make a lot of sense about pair-bonding and how powerful it is as a way of preserving our species. There are certain things that happen when you connect/bond with a person that go way beyond what's happening at the conscious/executive function level. It seems physical/emotional intimacy scream to our psyche to cling to a person even when there are a bunch of red flags telling us all the reasons why it's a horrible idea. I'm not saying this is universally the case, I'm just saying it can be a tangled web. 

The Way We Lived, California Indian Stories, Songs, Reminiscences by Malcolm Margolin

 

The Way we Lived: California Indian Stories, Songs, Reminiscences by Malcolm Margolin

pub 1981

August Book Club Read 

The author was really involved in the California History Society and obviously passionate about compiling this treasure trove of lore. The story integrates excerpts of tales and verbatim accounts from Native Californians and includes photographs.  

One of the standout things to me from this is how diverse the populations were in pre-European California. According to the author, when Europeans first appeared in California, there were as many as 100 different languages being spoken. 

Margolin honors the diversity of the groups, but in this book also points out many parallel systems and beliefs that they shared. I enjoyed reading about the customs and crafts of particular groups. He touches on how the arrival of Europeans dramatically altered the lives of these incredible groups. 

One thing that differs greatly from my culture, is the emphasis on dreams, visions, and the supernatural. 

The author points out that when interviews of tribal members would take place, he wanted to know more concrete things about their lives, whereas the interviewee was more interested sharing about their dreams, visions, and unique personal stories of the supernatural. He points out that to them, these factual elements would have been understood by all in their small close knit communities, but what would be unique were their particular spiritual experiences. 

I also was surprised that there was a deep resistance to innovation and change amongst many groups. I guess I have an idealized view of indigenous populations as being very fluid and adaptable based on their close reliance with an ever-changing natural world. Instead it seems, that strict and religious adherence to custom, ritual, roles, and traditions was seen as a vital way of passing down survival ways and a particular cultural heritage - even warding off evil and harm from unseen forces. I guess humans are the same everywhere in the tendency to safeguard practices without always challenging whether or not they are still relevant. 

I enjoyed the book, even if I skimmed over some of the mythology and coyote stories which I've been exposed to before. I'm always amazed at how people in each region utilized natural elements to make tools, weapons, boats etc. The book referenced Carobeth Laird and her memoir about her life with anthropologist John Harrington ( I think I wrote an entry about this). He was manically running around California trying to capture different language groups and sounds before they disappeared. 

As a docent at our local museum, I have recently reviewed some documentaries made mid century 1900s about our local Yokut Indians showing their artisanship.

Chronic People Pleasers Read on: The Courage to be Disliked by Kishimi and Koga

~Trigger alert: unfiltered self reflections abound in this entry

 The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga pub: 2018

 is a bestselling self-help and philosophy book that explains how to achieve true happiness by breaking free from past trauma and the desire for approval. 

Core Structure

Format: A Socratic dialogue over five nights between a cynical young man and a wise philosopher.
Foundation: Based on the individual psychology of Alfred Adler, a 19th/20th-century pioneer alongside Freud and Jung.

Let us say that one (one being me) always needs lots of encouragement to break free from enmeshment, over functioning, co-dependency, and obsession with the past. I'm kind of a psychology junkie and I have to agree with the authors that the psychology I've been most exposed to is of the Freudian strain which emphasizes the concept that past trauma pretty much defines us. 

I'm not sure if Jung emphasizes the past as much, I'm more familiar with Jung in his focus on archetypes and tapping into the subconscious. ie Jung is the forefather of MBTI which is the basis of Keirsey's Temperament Sorter which anyone who has known me very long might know that I'm unabashedly obsessed with. I also adore the book Goddesses in Every Woman, written by Jungian Psychotherapist Jean Shinoda Bolen.

I've heard of Adler, but I feel he is much less referenced and I think this is the first book I've every read about his ideas. It's kind of interesting because I was simultaneously listening to this audio book below which definitely has some parallels. The universe is trying to tell me something. I'm very resistant to this, because as an enneagram four there's hardly anything I love more than wallowing in melancholy and viewing myself as a tragic figure. To be forced to hear from two different sources at once, that I can choose to be happy or at least not worry about whether or not I'm happy and focus on being functional and doing my duty was simultaneously exhilarating and a threat to my entire way of life. 

Sidenote. My sister and I were camping in Kings Canyon while I was reading the Courage to be Disliked. She was reading a book about healing and we talked about how people (when I say people I actually mean mostly women) tend to bond over sharing their woes. The book she was reading actually suggested that some people never progress beyond their trauma because they fear losing the relationships or support groups they have built around their trauma or pain. This was quite resonant because I have several female relationships where I actually pre-prep for the meetup by conjuring up all the negative things in my life that I want to rant on about, and they're usually always the same things BTW. This is embarrassing to reveal actually. While I don't intend to stop this habit cold turkey, because maybe it's cathartic, I think introducing this awareness into the mix will do no harm, and recognizing that I can cultivate bonds even if there's nothing particular to lament about. 

I want to share a few of the chapter headings, because they're remarkably simple but the execution of these concepts I find to be kind of radical: The book is divided into conversations that span five nights which I find to be quite artistic. I will include my journal notes from camping that I jotted beneath each heading: 

The First Night

Deny Trauma

 - opposite of Freud

 - It's not about what you're born with, but what you make of the equipment

The Second Night

All Problems are Interpersonal Relationship Problems

 - 2 objectives - to be self-reliant. To live in harmony with society

The Third Night

Discard other people's tasks

 - real freedom

 - personal responsibility

 - assistance not intervention

The Fourth Night

Where the Center of the World Is

 - the larger community 

 - not punishment/praise

 - horizontal not vertical relationships

 - people have value for being not just what they do

 - don't escape or avoid pain, let it be

- don't take yourself or life too seriously

 

The Fifth Night

To live in earnest in the here and now

 - workaholism focuses on only one aspect of contribution

 - happiness is a feeling of contribution

 - the dance not the destination

 - have the courage to have a normal life (this is really hard for me - more about this below)

Normal life:

Why do I find this concept so difficult? It's simple. I think of myself as an aristocratic snob. No one likes to admit that there's a class system but there always is one. I was raised as part of local landed dynasty on both sides of my family. I was intensely proud of my unique ranch upbringing. I'm not living that lifestyle. Combine that with my enneagram four personality type which prizes individuality, originality, and scorns the ordinary. It doesn't take long to ponder why I feel such resistance to living in a suburb in Bakersfield (a place I always thought of with distaste), working as an employee, having 2 children, the SUV, blah blah blah. (oh this is one of my boring repetitive rants to sympathetic female friends) Such awareness leaves me with two options, acceptance or seek change. ( I tried the latter but it never seemed to quite work out, yet...) So here I am faced with the challenge to be happy. To be happy in normalcy. (Believe me I'm not broaching what is a normal life at a global level, just in the small sphere of this geographic region.) Also recognizing that constantly focusing on choices or situations that led me to this "predicament" actually sabotages present contentment and actually threatens to betray my present and future self. I'm faced with tiny artistic expressions of uniqueness instead of what I see as sweeping glamorous career/lifestyle identities. 

Can it be ok? Is it enough? Whether it is or not.. it is.... To live in earnest in the here and now... Powerful, difficult, baby steps.... Contribute yet be self-reliant. Do my own tasks. Encourage others in their tasks without interfering. Risk being disliked through abiding by the above. To some this may seem simple, but to a highly sensitive soul and empath who absorbs the emotions of others, believe me it's pretty difficult. 

Beth Rodden's A Light Through the Cracks and a Mini Geek-Out

 

A Light Through the Cracks by Beth Rodden pub 2024

July Book Club

One of my book club members has met Beth Rodden and she recommended this memoir and I'm so glad! My first thought on this is that I found it riveting. I could hardly put it down and I don't often feel like that about many books. She has a great story, but there was a deal of craftsmanship in the telling that really drew me in. The story wasn't told lineally but jumped back and forth in time. 

Beth Rodden is a pro rock climber. I had never heard of her, but in 2000 she and 3 other climbers were abducted and held hostage for a number of days in Kyrgyzstan. 

In this memoir, the trauma of the abduction is a pivotal theme. In many ways, the story recounts how it influenced the trajectory of her life and how she recovered from it. Having known nothing about her story, and being the relational drama monger that I am, I was especially curious to see how things would play out with her fellow hostage member, her boyfriend Tommy Caldwell. 

She and Tommy had just begun their relationship prior to their sponsored trip to Kyrgyzstan. She confessed in the book that she had been thinking about breaking things off prior to the trip; the reader infers that there was a degree of uncertainty on her side. Tommy ends up pushing their captor off a cliff precipitating their escape. The two of them share an intense moment in which she pledges her love. 

Their trauma bond leads them into a continuance of their romantic commitment, eventual marriage, and professional partnership. 

The reader senses the unease that shrouded Beth's thoughts and feelings about their relationship which eventually ended in divorce after Beth falls in love with a charismatic boulderer. (I'm oversimplifying here)

As a wanna-be outdoor enthusiast, I enjoyed the details about her climbs and the discipline involved in pursuing new feats. I kind of went on a mini geek out about climbing. I even watched the incredible documentary The Dawn Wall Watch the Dawn Wall Here about Tommy Caldwell and friend's epic climb up a previously unconquered stretch of Yosemite's El Capitan. Ooh I just remembered I was going to muster up the courage to watch that crazy documentary about the bro who free climbs El Cap. (note resume geek-out)

 ~note that I actually attempted no climbing - as I have a relatively paralyzing fear of heights. To get above half-way up a climbing wall I would need like an Oprah level encouragement coach to shout affirmations at me. I like the terms though. Here are a few.

Pitch -  The climbing route between two belay points with a "full pitch" being the length of the rope, circa 50 metres

Portaledge - those terrifying little tents they pitch on the sides of sheer walls

To belay - means to secure a climber or a rope using friction, or to fasten a line around a pin or cleat.

I do like scrambling around on rocks that aren't too high. On the ranches I grew up on, we had quite a few large boulders and rocks and I spent time climbing them and then looking down in terror and somehow descending, half-crawling, half sliding. 

I admire Beth's courage in relating her story so authentically. 

On Gold Mountain by Lisa See

 

On Gold Mountain by Lisa See

June Book Club read

Fascinating account of a Chinese Immigrant family dynasty that begins with the patriarch coming over to work on the railroad and then segues into his son who opens a business in San Francisco selling crotchless underwear to the local brothels. The tale continues as the son marries a red-haired Pennsylvania Dutch pioneer girl who had been tragically orphaned and had tenaciously approached him for work.

The story is written by one of the family members, descendent Lisa See so the story is incredibly personal and yet full of historical context. 

It's been a minute since I read this and I don't have the book to reference as it was a library book. "Gold Mountain" refers to what the Chinese called the United States. Fong See and his wife eventually settle in Chinatown of Los Angeles and navigate away from underwear and into antiques. 

Fong See ultimately has multiple wives, official and un... The book traces many of their struggles and successes in integrated their blended cultural backgrounds. Our book club discussion was so interesting as members discussed personal experiences with marriages of mixed cultures. One of our group members majored in Asian studies and had traveled in China. 

They Meet at Last - She encounters Faulkner

 Title: The Unvanquished

Author: William Faulkner

Source: Grandma Rose's eclectic book collection passed on to me because she enjoyed it recently

Faulkner resides securely in my mind with other well known authors who default into the category (in my mind) of "familiarity breeds contempt." Often referenced, and ruined perchance for me by being unhappily pieced together into an American Lit anthology which I perused to pass a quiz whilst taking too many units a semester. 

This happened to me with Dickens; only because my mom was such a passionate devotee. I, absorbed a familiarity by proxy that somehow removed all desire to read the works for myself. Or maybe it was my portrayal of Scrooge in our family's Christmas Play - adapted and directed by my talented and charismatic mother when I was 11 years old (complete with dry ice to accompany the ghosts of Christmas pasts.) I humbly confess that it was a brilliant performance and should have hinted to an acting career if right time and place had permitted? The oil derrick hills of western Kern County are not the spawn of great connections for acting (apart from my mom's christmas plays? which far transcended any provincialism that surrounded us.)

Late but perhaps just when I was ready, (she begins to trust destiny at last,) she encounters Faulkner. (not an excerpt) but a complete novel. I just read that some contest the "novelneess" of his novel; it being apparently a series of short stories.)

It reads to me like a sort of stream of consciousness form of storytelling. I didn't find it easy to follow, but I will say I was bewitched by the characters and the spirit of southern pride and rebellion that seemed to resonate from deep within my ancestral strain. In the quagmire of the story, there is brotherhood that transcends race, malevolent racism that is part of the social construct, valour and pride that is not kind, the travesty of war and its bitter repercussions, also the addictive quixotic call of warfare and battle, (this is seen in Drusilla and John Sartoris when they return from battle.)

Defending one's family honor was definitely one of the highest values conveyed in this tale. Narrated, in the first person, Bayard Sartoris has to dig deep to muster up moxy that would match that of his renowned and gutsy pater.  His resilience and courage seem tenuous compared to his brother in arms Ringo whom he admits is more intelligent and seemingly capable (exhibited in his shrewd partnership with Granny in the enterprise of re-selling mules to the very Yankees whom they once belonged to. Ringo is destined to be his status inferior, being black, yet Faulkner has no qualms in conferring on him a powerful quality. The boys had grown up together, played together, slept in the same room, fates intertwined...

Maybe I like Faulkner so much because he's ahead of his time. He's no pawn of hierarchy. Granny is one of the more iconic characters in the story along with young cousin Drusilla who manages to be romantic, alluring, and tomboyish - riding off to battle and demanding to fight in John Sartoris' troop until the end of the war. The author implies that the impending election drew her attention far more than her mother's orchestration of her marriage to John Sartoris (the widowed husband of her cousin.) She had (after all) presumably shared a tent with him for two years across the battlefields of dixie. Drusilla claimed they were laser focused on the war.... yet... After her marriage, she also passionately elicits a kiss from young Bayard whilst married to his father; walking a tightrope of southern aristocracy and yet courting the risk that she was missing from the battlefield? 

I always admired Bayard's determination, but I felt worried for him, like I felt for Dickens' characters. I felt they were vulnerable somehow, sensitive souls. The women felt solid; wild and intrepid somehow. He satisfies his family honor and avenges his father's death, just enough? but not enough to please her of the verbena "filling the room, the dusk, the evening with that odor which she said you could smell along above the smell of horses." Drusilla wore verbena in her hair to overshadow the smell of battle, sweat, unwashed bodies. In the end, she departed before he returned from his duel. Was she disappointed that he had only wounded his adversary instead of killing him? Was she avoiding the complexity of her attraction to her dead husband's son? 

Sartoris.... I'm obsessed with that last name. Bayard Sartoris. Ok. Faulkner. You got me. It's been a long time coming...

Educated by Tara Westover

I can't let myself start another book until I finish reflecting on the three I just finished.... I'm contemplating banning myself from ordering more books from the library until I finish the ones I have on my bookshelf awaiting to be read.... hmmm/ So, pump it out. (Very un tao)

 

Title: Educated

Author: Tara Westover

Publication date: 2018

Format: library e book on kindle

Source: book club read for 2026 recommended by a member

When I read books on Kindle and/or audio from my Library app, I return them right after I finish. I can't really flip through the pages to reflect on what I've read as easily which makes it a bit difficult sometimes to recall certain key standouts. 

I remember feeling that the first chapters felt very magical and descriptive (even though there was a tone of sadness which is overarching throughout the whole book even though the reader doesn't yet realize how dark the narrative will get later on in the story.)

This is a memoir about the author's childhood growing up on in rural Idaho. Her father (parents) might be considered extreme Mormon fundamentalist survivalist types. She was born in 1986. For the most part she and her siblings never attended public school, had formal government documentation, or did conventional doctoring. 

This in and of itself might be considered shocking to some. Not to me so much. I grew up in some ways very similarly to Tara - thankfully minus mental illness, cruelty, and such extreme isolation; but in other ways, I could imagine her life perhaps much better than some others. 

My family was self employed like her. We relied on each other for our primary source of socialization. This was a very positive experience for me (sadly unlike the author.) Also in common - Tara had certain natural elements in her home landscape that were anchors of identity in her mind and story. She frequently references the mountain "Buck's Peak" and a rock formation known as "The Indian Princess." I related to that a lot. I felt that key nature images of my home landscape were as much a part of me almost as my family members: the rock formation we called "the Monkey Face", the canyon to the southwest we called "the Reyes", and many other trees, canyons, streams, and so forth which were contexts in which my imagination flourished as a child. (I was in a safe environment where nature explorations were not where I went to hide (although maybe some of that) but were encouraged as part of  learning, play, and work.) 

Like Tara, my Dad maintained a stretch of our phone line when I was a kid meaning that when there was a storm, it didn't work for awhile. We had a generator for power and also used kerosene lamps sometimes. We homeschooled (although not for our entire education) and were involved with helping with the family business. Like many rural westerners, we maintained a healthy cynicism about anything government related and tended to rely more on ourselves and/or other community members rather than professional or government support. We also were conservative religiously and held to fundamentalist beliefs in many ways. 

That's pretty much where the resemblance ends. As the story progresses, Tara slowly reveals the deep dysfunction, fear, illness, and disconnect that characterized her childhood in many ways. Her story is very sad and there are deeply disturbing parts. I kind of felt like sometimes when you see something horrible on the news and you are repelled but you can't take your eyes off the screen because you're so morbidly curious. There are episodes of physical and psychological cruelty, but it is also a tribute to human tenacity and her spirit shines through as she overcomes many obstacles in order to go away to college, become a scholar, and eventually forge a new life. 

I think one of the most interesting parts of the story is how Tara had to re-invent herself as a young adult. I can kind of relate to that in that when you grow up in a rural lifestyle, there is kind of a learning curve to normal suburban or urban life that is very different. Things like going to the doctor or figuring out how to travel, what to wear, and also filling in cultural gaps that might exist (in her case because of not studying history) (in both of ours not having television). 

I think as a reader, parent, daughter, one of the most painful parts of the story are her repeated attempts to reconcile with her parents and assist her siblings. It shows how deep-rooted is the desire to have an intact relationship with our tribe no matter how far we physically and spiritually move away from them. Just as a literary aside, I sometimes felt that the voice was very distant and numb in the recounting. Not sure if I'm just intuiting a survival mechanism employed by the author in the process of which she endured which leaked over into her storytelling. Not sure.  

Sharing this story must have taken a lot of courage and I hope that in sharing, she has found healing and also a community of people who might also discover needed solace and connection.