My Girl Liz

 Liz Gilbert captured me with her famous memoir Eat Pray Love which I read years ago when I was living in London. I've written about two of her other books on this blog: Big Magic, and The Last American Man. It's safe to say I'm a gushy fangirl. In fact, I think I've read all of her books. She's brilliant, funny, authentic, candid, confident yet vulnerable. 

Stern Men was first published in 2000, so an earlier work in her book career. I tend to like her nonfiction more than fiction. This story is inspired by actual lobster fishing communities but is an entirely fictional narrative. It was definitely enjoyable and having grown up in a resource based industry (agriculture) I'm always fascinated to delve into other types of livelihoods imaginatively that source an existence from the earth itself. 

One of my takeaways was just really internalizing how difficult life can be and how that difficulty can bring or bear with it a deal of harshness. Those who have to physically work very hard to earn a livelihood particularly as independent business people carve a mold that is very familiar to me. Collaboration and dependence are viewed with unease. Competition can be fierce. Bullshit is not tolerated. Nepotism and succession matters weave a complex web into the mix. Creativity gives an edge over sheer muscle. It's a journey into a microcosm that casts light on the entirety of the human story. 

I got the kindle app again! I had it then I didn't. I'm not sure why I thought it no longer existed for a time. I dunno. Anyway, I was waiting for this one to come out. All right; I confess, I was curious to hear about Liz's lesbian affair. I'm being honest. I think most of us are a little prone to morbid curiosity, the kind that makes you prick up your ears and lean in when someone mentions some juicy gossip. 

But I knew it would be so much - so much more than just a let me tell my story, because it's Liz! I knew it would be hard packed with spirituality, in-depth processing, discovery, humor, anecdotes, and Liz does not disappoint in All the Way to the River. 

I would definitely put it in the mid life re-alignment zone. Perfect for any anonymous people who may be in that zone. Near that zone, having had been in that zone, probably will continue to be in that zone, forever - another decade?

It's about her love story with Rayya, but it's also about addiction and recovery. I have a second hand relationship with recovery. Not because I probably don't need the rooms. I believe we all do on some spectrum or another. I have a friend who has told me all about recovery. I can't speak about it for myself, but I'm familiar with the language and the concepts and I deeply admire the work that is done for and with people and the support they receive. 

Reading Liz's nonfiction is like speaking with a friend. She oozes familiarity and ease in her tone and I get super drawn in and not bored. Def recommend for anyone who wants to hear a powerful story and is interested in the topics of intimacy, co-dependency, and recovery. 

One thing that surprised me was how much she talks about God. "Is the Universe good, bad, or indifferent?" While she doesn't attempt to directly answer this question, she implies that she believes there is a God or force who cares and can be appealed to, spoken to, and who offers direction. 

This led me to ponder where I'm at with this. Over the past few years I had arrived at an experimental plateau of neutrality about this topic. I definitely believe all religions are invented by humans, but as to God.... not sure. Is there a God, are they a distant or personal God, are they malicious, benign, or loving. (if loving, I concluded they don't love the creatures on earth to have a comfortable physical existence.) Liz witnessed her friend go through unspeakable pain, yet she walked away with an openness to embracing the God of her understanding. 

My intellect allows me to experiment with prayer, because why not? It feels good to pray for people. (even if I think of it more as loving meditation and imparting positive energy). It feels great to surrender my fears to a higher power. It feels comfortable to ask for a sign or a sense of direction (as long as I'm not putting my logic, common sense, and instincts in the trunk of the car.) I think I needed Liz's book to remind me that there is potential richness in embracing the God of my understanding (or at least experimenting with it.)

If some fundie tells me that "the god of my understanding is not valid" here's what I would say: "If God wants to impart to me a clear picture of who they are and what I should think about them or do for them" it needs to be very clear and that should be easy for GOD. And by easy I don't mean an ancient manuscript written in another language. 

ooh I squeezed in a mini rant.

I jumped on here to add something for myself. I realized that the thing from this book that seems to be hitting me the most isn't even what I wrote about so far here. It's the codependency thing. It's the constant pull to over function in many relationships. To not know where I end and others begin. To take responsibility for things that are not mine. My reading of this book is not going to halt a pattern of people pleasing that began when I was like 3 years old, but it is helping me to raise my awareness around this topic, this pull, shining light of intentionality on this dance that is relationships. 

An Update, a Book, an Observation

1. Update:

I started a book club! It's called a very proper "Ladies Nonfiction Book Club." It's a public group through meetup.com and we've had 2 meetings so far. Yesterday's meeting was so much fun. Co- conspirator and I started ransacking our shelves and Amazon wishlists for dusty books that we will now actually read!


We met at a new to me cafe called "Mokha Cafe" and the espresso was delicious but the setting a little noisy for a discussion group and quite limited seating. We're dashing back to Dagny's, a local coffee shop in downtown BK.

You know I actually already do read books; but now I will hopefully knock out even more.

2. Book: 

This was June's book for club. This was on founding member's wishlist and my own so we put it at the top of the queue.

The Schaeffers were a household name in the milieu of late eighties and nineties evangelicalism. They were elegant, intellectual, and sophisticated Bible thumpers. They lived in a chalet in Switzerland and their ministry was basically hosting young impressionable bohemians and "witnessing" through dialogue and by administering lectures which called upon the arts and the high points of Western Civilization to reinforce Christian beliefs.


Author, Frank is their youngest child and only son. This book was published in 2007 so it's been out there awhile and based on a podcast interview of his that I listened to recently, I'd wager that since 2007 he's evolved from Orthodoxy to more of agnosticism or atheism. Actually another more recent book title of his is Why I Am an Atheist Who Believes in God so it's not a wager.


This memoir recounts his childhood at L'abri the name of the Schaeffer's multi-location ministry, rise to fame as a member of the fledgling but soon powerful American Christian right movement, his exodus from that world and reinvention of himself as an artist and writer. He had a pretty free-range "unschooling before it was a term" homeschooled/autodidact childhood up until he did some boarding schools in the UK. 

I found his portraits of his parents and upbringing to be the most interesting aspects of the story. I was less interested in his subsequent career but related to his perspective and found guilty pleasure in some of the snark.  His portrayal of his parents was honest but not cruel and I think like many families who were renowned in some way, the pressures can be significant and I believe they were for Frank and his siblings and his parents too. 

A few passages I flagged. 

"Everything we did was to witness. (to witness was to share Christ; in other words, talk about your faith in hopes that you would convince the person listening to convert. To witness also meant to live in such a way that people would see Christ" in you and want to convert because your life was so admirable.)"

I related to this a lot. Again - doesn't sound like a big deal - but it's a lot of pressure nonetheless. 

"When we traveled on the Coroveglia, Mom pointed out that "We still have to pay for our tickets....' The idea was that because we were in the Lord's work, any person with a lot of money what was truly discerning would give us the boat passage and to do less was something like Mary and Martha charging Christ for supper."

This was kind of a painful connecting point for me as someone who raised funds for our "missionary work." I always found it incredibly awkward and murky. 

"Life had two huge demarcation lines, a cosmic before and after, from which everything else flowed. There was salvation, the crossing of the line from light to dark. And there was marriage, and life before "the wedding night" and after." 

Frank, well captured.

Re: his mom's long winded prayers that seemed to be for the benefit of the listener rather than have anything to do with God "I sometimes wondered if God ever tried to duck out of the room when he saw Mom coming." 

"When Jessica (his baby) is not keeping her food down, I learned the prayer that has no words, the one that I'd be praying forever after I became a father, whatever I called myself or converted to, or abandoned, when the feeling of dread is prayer - prayer and longing for what I could never give a child in danger, or myself; the guarantee of joy."

"What I don't want is to live in a culture that makes sweeping and dismissive secular or religious "theological" one-size-fits-all decisions that oversimplify complex issues." 

Preach

3. Observation. 

People talk about their conversions to faith. Sometimes it was a lightning bolt moment of clarity or a supernatural occurrence that was the catalyst for a faith to be born. Other times it was a gradual realization or onset of a decision. My deconversion feels marked by both of those things - moments even seconds of startling clarity and a recognition of sudden alignment after many years of ponderous deconstructing. 

Like a new convert I want to talk about it. I feel excited about the peace and congruence I feel. Like a new convert who wants others to experience their knowledge, freedom, and awakening, my deconversion has spawned similar feelings. Yet, I know that you can't sell your own experience too hard. You can touch on it - but others in your life have to witness it in their own way. They have their own journey; own monsoon strikes of insight to uncover. 

Deconversion from what? Certainly not from  openness to a conception of  God(s) , spirituality, or faith - merely from a religion and any religion that would seek to overly simplify, stratify, systemize, and dogmatize access to and revelation of the mysteries.

EOSTRE a reflection from 2024

 Eostre Weekend (April 1, 2024)

The modern English term Easter developed from the Old English word Ēastre or Ēostre (Old English pronunciation: [ˈæːɑstre, ˈeːostre]), which itself developed prior to 899, originally referring to the name of the Anglo-Saxon goddess Ēostre. -Wikipedia

And then one day, a descendent of the Welsh and Scottish pagans who had been subdued by the Imperialists after centuries of resistance, decided to shed the religion of the oppressors and return to her roots. (except for the overly barbaric ones) Like her Christian counterparts do with the Bible, she will handpick the practices and beliefs that she likes best.  Anything that involves nature things that she likes she will keep, and will heretically toss aside anything too sticky, gory, or unfun especially if they might keep her up past her bedtime.

She looked at the vast ocean. It was Easter morning, but she had forgotten until she received a text. She had noted Good Friday, the day that for years she had sought to approach with dutiful contrition. The day on which she had been taught to be grateful to the one who had born the sins of many and to relive the agony of torture and rejection. The day on which she had once revered a cross, the symbol of God’s wrath and the vehicle to the one path to salvation. 

Now, at age 45, she just feels regretful and angry; angry at all the years spent frenzying herself up into some sort of fervor about something so unclear; the years spent over functioning in a relationship that was so dubious and potentially imaginary.

She ponders what seems to be the true character of God; a god who allows the garage door to come down on an unsuspecting snail just living out their asexual day, which strangely seems to represent the order of the universe - the beauty and the terror of life on earth; the haphazard order marked by moments of transcendent bliss and horrible pain. 

Anthropology tells me that humans need to quest for some kind of meaning, order, hope, or comforting belief. It seems we can’t avoid some sort of search for higher power. I am still no different. The trappings and knowledge of modern life don’t preclude me from the primitive ritual of praying, sometimes in desperation and often in gratitude, the two only truly authentic forms of prayer. Now, I’m just re-framing it and renaming it. 

My daughter and I talked about it on our way home from two rainy but idyllic days car camping in Malibu, Eostre weekend, spent not pinning on an ornament or congregating, but watching the clouds, listening to rain, the ocean, and admiring the variety of plants on the earthen floor, the universal church of mankind, the one thing we can know, the soil beneath our feet. 

Jesus the Apocalypticist among Apocalypticists

AI Overview:

"The apocalyptic era of Judaism, particularly from the Hellenistic period (323-31 BCE) onwards, is characterized by literature and beliefs centered around the imminent end of the world and the belief in a divinely-orchestrated intervention to bring about a new age. This worldview is marked by dualistic thinking, emphasis on heavenly beings, and a focus on the future and the end of times."

I always knew Jesus was an apocalypticist. I never realized that Jesus was an apocalypticist amongst apocalypticists. Say that ten times. 

This is a dang difficult word to spell and spell check thinks it's not a word but the online Oxford dictionary does. 

It wasn't until recent forays into Bart Ehrman's work through his books, podcasts, and blog have I begun to understand more about the historical Jesus and the Jewish apocalyptic movement of the era. 

Not only is Bart Ehrman a great scholar, he has an air of humility, and an endearing way of laughing at his own jokes which I can shamelessly relate to. He's committed to making scholarly research accessible to lay people and I'm mucho appreciato for his efforts in that regard. 

I'm not a Biblical scholar, but I did take a lot of Bible classes in the Christian University that I attended and spent a lot of time reading the Bible between ages 13 and 35 and hearing countless sermons and participating in studies, endlessly analyzing a fascinating ancient text compilation that I now realize I've barely scratched the surface of due to my lack of understanding of the original languages, actual authors, and context. (I was taught the Holy Spirit miraculously teaches you about God through this text yet we have like hundreds of denominations in our land who all think they have the patent on the right interpretation)

I never learned many many many things about the historical context of Jesus and the New Testament. Or maybe I wasn't ready to learn them and for what that learning would bring me to understand and to how that understanding would effect my beliefs and identity. But I digress. 

It is only recently that I have gained an understanding of how apocalyptic beliefs helped Jews reconcile their experience with the predominate underpinning theology of their religion. An over simplistic summary of that belief system would be: obey God and keep his law and commandments and you will prosper and be rescued from your enemies. This was an earthly consequence. If you've ever read what Christians call "the old testament" you will notice that there are rare references to the afterlife and if it is referenced, it is couched in symbolism and fairly vague. The focus is on this life and the tribe and kingdom of Israel as an earthly kingdom. When peoples of the nation of Israel suffered calamites, exile, and domination despite obeying God and trying to follow his commands, the theology began to waiver. It didn't seem to be going as promised. Prosperity and safety were not happening. People were trying to obey and honor God's law even though they were being killed and punished for it. Earthly rescue wasn't happening. 

Instead of abandoning identity and faith - beliefs morphed. Instead of framing it as "God letting his people down, ignoring them, or not existing" people began to teach that the "good times" actually were in the next life. This helpful reframing allowed people to retain hope in trying times by focusing on how God would make all things right in the next life.

And the next life, was "coming soon, very soon." In fact, I now believe when Jesus tells his followers - "Surely this generation will not pass away before...." He meant it literally. Jesus was convinced that the end of the world was going to happen any day. It wasn't a metaphor or a euphemism (even though fundamentalists have tried all kinds of things to explain what Jesus meant by that.) Jesus believed that the world as we know it would end imminently ushering in a reign where God would be king and justice would be administered. 

This doesn't seem earth shattering to anyone familiar with the gospels, Acts, or the epistles. They are all heavily saturated with apocalyptic themes and a tone of urgency. I haven't even mentioned the deeply disturbing, bitterly angry book of Revelations. 

So what? You might well ask. What does this have to do with anything? Jesus the apocalyptic prophet amongst prophets. Although Jesus was no doubt an original thinker, teacher, and healer, he was part of a movement that met the need of his people in their time. I unpack this below. The emphasis is: for his people, in their time, and particularly in their context of undergoing dominion from a conquering nation. The application for people in 1980s and 90s and beyond United States is dubious, other than offering the comforting thought that even though this life is fraught with hardship the next one won't be. Or in giving people an excuse to try less hard to make this life worth living as they meditate on the next and let me not forget to mention that I believe apocalyptic interpretations influence US citizens to take sides in an overseas conflict that likely has nothing to do with them and should be none of their business. 

I can't speak for other people but I can say that a lack of understanding about this has had a fairly deep impact on my life. Trying to "follow" Jesus and apply certain teachings to my life 2000+ years after his mandate to "stand watch" has had some major implications on how I approached life (particularly in early adulthood) and not only the choices but the constantly wrestling with how to integrate these teachings. This sounds like I'm slightly resentful of Jesus which is totally unfair. Jesus the Apocalypticist. (ok I'm addicted to this phrase) 

"Watch therefore, for you do not know what hour your Lord is coming" Matthew 24:42. (I'm not even going to speak in this post to the fact that knowing what Jesus said based on the gospels (written decades after his life) is extremely difficult and at best speculative.)

 I'm sure Jesus would not have wanted me to try to live this way thousands of years after the fact that he has since realized along with everyone else (well not everyone) that the end may or may not be imminent. The birds and the flowers may not be worried about what they'll wear or what they'll eat but I have to say for me to spend no time at all thinking about these matters might be considered neglectful. I know pastor it's about worry. 

I think it's fair to say; that we just don't know how imminent the end is. As much as I loved the song as a child "When the roll is called up yonder," I'm less and less sure of what exactly that means. I say certain teachings above because there are certainly some principles purportedly taught by the historical Jesus which I do wish to integrate into my modern day life where I am proud to finally have a 401k (I can't entirely blame Jesus for my delay in starting one but my apocalyptic beliefs combined with a bohemian bent towards hippy abandon probably didn't help.) What do I want to integrate from Jesus? That's another topic for another day. I know what you're thinking. Water into wine. Definitely.

I suspect that I'm not alone in feeling foolish at how earnestly I attempted to integrate apocalyptic beliefs with modern exigencies. Actually I'm quite "het up" about this. If I was to blatantly disregard my self respect and make a checklist of ways that apocalypticism overshadowed my (our) life and here's what it would say;

• heaven and hell (that's all I'm going to say about that right now)
• feeling deeply conflicted about the following: having possessions, making a retirement plan, spending time working (or doing anything) instead of evangelizing, practicing family planning, doing anything recreational, taking time to evaluate what kind of life/career/home/ I/we wanted.  

It felt to me, that focusing too much on any earthly pursuit was a betrayal of the gospel ideal. I realize there are many religious people who manage to enjoy their religion and their life and don't sweat too much about these ideological matters. I'm rather jealous. 

The list above isn't comprehensive but it touches on some key life elements. I think what's most traumatic (and I don't use that word lightly) is the time spent wrestling with how to integrate these ideals and the uneasiness in which we didn't feel we were doing very well at obeying the teacher we were supposedly dedicated to. We also felt that we were falling short at establishing ourselves successfully in our times. (When I say "we" I mean my husband and me and we have talked about this at length.) I hope this makes sense but one more clarifying sentence of the highest order. This landed us in a weird tension where we felt we were half-assing the Jesus way but also not really being very successful humans in 21st century suburban US. ( I know you're thinking this hardly warrants the ward trauma). Ok, low level trauma. The low level kind that has a cumulative effect that makes you feel like you're moving but always with an extra suitcase in each hand that you're trying to figure out what to do with constantly. 

I'm ready to conclude this ramble. Where does it leave me? It leaves me at midlife at the cusp of a new life. A life where I have freedom to think and plan for the future. An existence where I can ponder what makes sense in my time and place and integrate this with the values that I choose to embrace based on many influences. 

I can give my money away or keep it all. This life can matter to me. I can do things that I enjoy even if they seem to have no bearing on a future afterlife existence. If I do a good deed it's because it feels good or because I want to live a meaningful life, not because I hope it gives me a future "crown" or pleases a god from another time and culture. 

Perhaps most epically, I can cease trying so hard to have an explanation for why terrible things happen. I don't have to reconcile views of God from an ancient text with mysterious happenings in our complex world. I can read it like I do every human body of literature, with curiosity and wonder and connection that comes from being fellow humans on a quest for the best life we can muster.

I feel a newfound tranquility and a deep-seated sense of empowerment to choose to live my human life in a decent and satisfying way; no more; no less. This posture doesn't prevent me from being open to revelation. May prophesy, healing, and all things miraculous have their way with me today, in my time. 

https://www.bartehrman.com/

See below quote from Ehrman's blog.

The word comes from the Greek term “apocalypsis,” which means a “revealing” or an “unveiling.”  Jewish apocalypticism was widespread in Jesus’ day: it was a view held by the Pharisees, the Essenes (including the authors and users of the Dead Sea Scrolls), authors of books such as 1 Enoch, 4 Ezra, and 2 Baruch, various “prophets” we know about (named and unnamed), John the Baptist, and many, many others.  These Jews believed the world was controlled for now by forces of evil, but God was soon to re-assert his authority by bringing in a day of judgment in which all that was evil would be destroyed.

see here for the rest of article https://ehrmanblog.org/how-jesus-apocalyptic-teachings-were-changed-even-in-the-nt/